Black Label Suicides

I thought it might be fun to have a post dedicated to jokes. I'm not going to write any directions on this because if you don't know what to do then you are plain stupid



DO you know what 6.9 is
...a good thing screwed up by a period.

WHAT is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
...One is made of plastic and is dangerous for little children to play with, the other is used to carry grocieries

WHEN does a Cub become a boyscout?
.... when he eats his first brownie.

WHY doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
.... because anyone who can run, jump, or swim are already in the U.S.

WHY do men like big tits and tight pussy?
... because they have big mouths and little dicks.

What does it mean when the post office flag is at half-mass.
...they're hiring

WHY are there no peurto ricans on star track?
... because there not going to work in the future either

WHAT  is the Cuban national anthem?
... row, row, row, your boat

WHAT is the quickest way to clear out a mens room?
...Say "nice dick"

lol

A buddhist monk, a rabbi, and a priest are in an orphanage when it catches fire. The monk says, "Quickly, we must save the children!"
The rabbi says, "Fuck the children!"
The priest says, "There's not enough time!!"

WHAT do you call a man with a shovel stuck to his head?
...Doug

What do you call a man withOUT a shovel stuck to his head?
...Douglas

3 women are at a bar and they all get totally smashed and go home. The next day over lunch, the first girl says," I was so drunk last night, as soon as I got home, I blew chunks..."
The second girl says, "That's nothing, I got home, fell down, crawled to the toilet, threw up, then passed out in the tub..."
The third girl says, "Psh...I found a random guy on the street, started to give him a BJ, but then threw up in the process...then passed out in the alley..."
The first looks a bit skeptical and says, "You don't seem to understand...Chunks is my dog..."

chunks...ha.

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny, anyways as he is passing a pumpkin patch his mind starts to wonder. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is kinda soft and squishy inside, and their is no one around for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road,  picks out a nice, juicy looking pumpkin, cuts an appropriate size hole in it and starts to screw it, After a while he is really into it and doesn't notice the police car pulling up.

The cop walks over and says "Excuse me sir, do you realize you are screwing a pumpkin."

the man looks at the cop in complete horror and thinks fast. he says," a pumpkin, my goodness, is it midnight all ready.?

lol, i love this new thread idea!  Heres Scuba's favorite:

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men,  beer and pussy...

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy 
you will have, you are normal. 
If you think all day about your next beer, 
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy

two farmers lived on a farm together, one was sitting in the kitchen when the other came in carrying a tall glass of white liquid, he was so excited that he just milked his first cow he took a long drink of milk from his cup, the other farmer just looked at him and said," we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

   yesterday a group of scientist found that beer contains a small percentage of female hormones, to prove their theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer then observed that 100% of them all started talking non-scence and couldn't drive...

Why did the woman cross the road?
...thats not the point, what is she doing out of the kitchen?

why do men pass gas more than women?
   because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure..

a true story, a man was about to get married to his girlfrien and was very happy, his girlfriend was a dream and her parents were helping out in any way that they could. The only problem was his  girlfriends younger sister, she was always wearing short tight mini-skirts and tight shirts in front of him and constantly bending down  so that he got many a pleasent views of her underware. one day his girlfriend sister called him and asked him to come over to look and the wedding invatations. When he got their she was alone, and she confided in him," soon you are to be getting married to my sister, and i have had desires for you that i just can not overcome, i want to have sex with you just once before you get married," With that she got up and started to walk up the stairs to her room, at the top of the stairs she stopped and took off her panties and threw them down at the guy, the guy was so shocked that he didn't say a word. he just walked out of the front door and went straight for his car. His soon to be father in law was outside waiting for him with tears in his eyes, he hugged the man and said." we couldn't ask for a better man to be marrying our daughter."
 The moral of the story is... ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR.

A little boy goes up to his father and askes him " Dad, what is the differance between hypothetical and reality?"

his dad says, " well i could give you the book definition of the terms but i think that i will give you an example instead."
"go up stairs and ask your mother if she would do the mailman for 500,000 dollars."

the boy goes and ask his mother and she replies. "Hell yeah I would!"

the boy tells his father her reply and his dad says "now go ask your sister if she would do her principle for 500,000 dollars,"

the boy asks his sister the question and she replies "hell yeah i will!"

 the boy then tells his father her answer and his dad says..." now son, hypothetically we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble
with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She
agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know. The principal
looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and
Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but
I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T,
is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish
liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman
do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie
me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,
I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement.

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the
last ten questions wrong myself."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stops beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop says, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl says, "he sure did!"

The cop looks the bike over and hands the little girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of the bike." the cop explains.

The young girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you got there officer, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he did," chuckled the cop.

"You need to tell Santa that the ass belongs underneath the tail, and not on top of the horse".

A burglar crept into a huge, luxurious house
one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor
in the dark, he heard a voice saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head,
and kept looking for valuables. He again heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
This time, he shone his light all over, and it
finally rested on a parrot.
He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted
that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you?
What's your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name
a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "The same folks who would
name a Rottweiler "Jesus'.!

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"