Black Label Suicides

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly
and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

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Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Timothy

4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-it Book

6. The Kids Guide To Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Dogs go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster.... And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
 
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
 
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister.  Do you still want to tell that joke?
 
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

    So theres a dachsund in the jungle (dont ask why, just go with it), and a leopard sees him and attacks. The dachsund sees him coming so he sits by a pile of bones and says "WOW, THAT WAS ONE TASTY LEOPARD!!!" Naturally, the leopard freaks out and runs away. Later, a monkey who had seen the whole thing went and told the leopard what had happened, and that in exchange for his protection, he would lead the leopard to the dachsund. The monkey rode on top of the leopard, instructing him where to go until the dog was in sight. Just as the leopard was about to attack, the dachsund saw them and yelled "WHERES THAT DAMN MONKEY? I  SENT HIM TO GET ME ANOTHER LEOPARD HALF AN HOUR AGO!!!"

OOH!!  A SECRET MESSAGE!!!

    So one day, an indian boy went to his father and asks "how do kids get their names?" "Well," replied the father, "when the mother is about to have the baby, the father goes out into the woods without food or water, falls asleep, and the baby is named after the first thing he sees when he wakes up. Why do you ask Bear Shitting in the Woods?"


 

PLEASE , do not take any offense to this joke, i mearly wrote it as it was told to me.if anyone is offended by this i will delete it off of here.

A white man walks into a bar and says to the black bartender,"hey nigger, give me a beer" the bartender says, "only if you ask that qeustion again,without useing that word." So the guy says"Hey, dumbass, give me a beer." The bartender says "try again" so the guys says,"Yo hairbrain, give me a beer." The bartender leans on the bar and says, "How would you feel if you were in my place and i ordered my beer like that." the man replied,"i don't know, lets switch places. i will tend the bar, you leave and come back in and order a beer." the black man say "ok" so the black man leaves and comes back and and says" Hey cracker, give me a beer." the man looks at him and says." Sorry, we don't serve niggers in this bar."

I heard these in language arts today.

Where does the one legged waitress work?
                            Ihop

    So these three guys were on a road trip, but they only have enough money for a hotel room with one room with one bed, so they share it.  The next morning at breakfast, they got to talking about what they had dreamt. the guy on the left said "I dreamt I was getting a handjob from a blonde," the guy on the right said "I dreamt I was getting a handjob from a brunette," and the guy in the middle said "I dreamt I was cross-country skiing."


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

TOO MUCH READING LOL im not a reader im a Xbox live killer lol

an american,mexican and a german guy walks into a bar the german says "we have to mutch beer in out country(throws it up and shoots it)
the mexican says "we have to mutch tequela in our contry(throws it up and shoots it)
the amercan says "we have to many of these fuckers in our contry(pulls out his gun and shoots the mexican)

knock knock. whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who, knock knock, whos there, banana, banana who,knock knock, whos there, orange, orange, orange who, Micheal Jackson!

Whats the difference between three dead hookers and a Porsche?


I dont have a Porsche in my garage

Whats the difference between a guy that drives a BMW and a cactus?........... On the cactus the prick is on the outside