Black Label Suicides

i know a lot of jokes but this is my newest favorite;

why does the army say hooah?

cause it's too hard to say oorah! with that many dicks in your mouth.



funny to me cause it's you know inter-military humor

How to pass an immigration test in the United
 States...

 Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through
 Immigration. The
 Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
 except there is one
 more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter
 the United States of America.

 Mujibar said, "I am ready."

 The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words
 Yellow, Pink and Green."

 Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister
 Officer, I am ready."

 The Officer said, "Go ahead."

***READ THE FOLLOWING ALOUD WITH A ARAB ACCENT*** 

 Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green,
 and I pink it up, and
 say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

 .....Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and
 works for Verizon in
 their Customer Service Department

How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar?
Turn the bar stool upside down

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.'

A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it's a pet.

She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?"

He repies , "In the bedroom."

"But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks.

"I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"

Tom sat down to read the personal ads he read the following:

                 WANTED:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schina garden, classical music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3, and 5.

Damn that was clever.

Unfortunately, I aint got no jokes right now, but this thread is funny as shit, espicially Scuba's Beer or Pussy Advantages/ Disadvantages

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the ast
oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

* * * * * * * * * *

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty
litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.

27) Drink beer

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.

39) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the
left boob.

36. Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4615.00

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline.

"Don't mind Rover," the handler says, "he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."

He tells the dog, "Rover, search!"

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy!" He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

The handler says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"Wow!" says the first man.

Once again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and craps all over the place!!!!! The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the heck was THAT for???!!"

The handler replies, "Looks like he found a bomb."

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3RNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."