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Black Label Suicides

JOKES!

Last post 03-19-2007 12:36 AM by ScubaSteve12318. 60 replies.
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  • 07-24-2005 8:28 PM In reply to

    • deletionary
    • Top 50 Contributor
    • Joined on 07-24-2004
    • Marine Barracks, Washington D.C.
    • Posts 48

    Re: JOKES!

    i know a lot of jokes but this is my newest favorite;

    why does the army say hooah?

    cause it's too hard to say oorah! with that many dicks in your mouth.



    funny to me cause it's you know inter-military humor

    i dunno why i do it. i think it's the fact that i am the one who ends someone else's life that excites me. kinda like playing god without any responsibility.
  • 07-25-2005 3:29 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    How to pass an immigration test in the United
     States
    ...

     Mujibar was trying to get into the
    USA legally through
     Immigration. The
     Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
     except there is one
     more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter
     the United States of America.

     Mujibar said, "I am ready."

     The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words
     Yellow, Pink and Green."

     Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister
     Officer, I am ready."

     The Officer said, "Go ahead."

    ***READ THE FOLLOWING ALOUD WITH A ARAB ACCENT*** 

     Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green,
     and I pink it up, and
     say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

     .....Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and
     works for Verizon in
     their Customer Service Department
    "True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love then you catch the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blind folded like a god damn magic show and ready to double team your girlfriend and," "It stops right there, and I think what my good friend Mitch is trying to say is, true love is blind."

    -Old School
  • 07-29-2005 12:41 AM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, 'I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.'

    The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, 'So, what's the catch?'
    you know you wanna!
  • 07-29-2005 12:42 AM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

    Most honorable sir:

    You leave house.

    He come house.

    I watch.

    He and she leave house.

    I follow.

    He and she get on train.

    I follow.

    He and she go in hotel.

    I climb tree-look in window.

    He kiss she.

    She kiss he.

    He strip she.

    She strip he.

    He play with she.

    She play with he.

    I play with me.

    fall out of tree, not see.

    ......NO FEE
    you know you wanna!
  • 07-29-2005 12:45 AM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar?
    Turn the bar stool upside down


    One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, 'You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, 'You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.'

    A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it's a pet.

    She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?"

    He repies , "In the bedroom."

    "But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks.

    "I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"
    you know you wanna!
  • 08-04-2005 4:56 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    Tom sat down to read the personal ads he read the following:

                     WANTED:
    A tall well-built woman with good
    reputation, who can cook frog
    legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
    schina garden, classical music and tal-
    king without getting too serious.
    But please only read lines 1,3, and 5.

    "True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love then you catch the early flight home from San Diego, and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blind folded like a god damn magic show and ready to double team your girlfriend and," "It stops right there, and I think what my good friend Mitch is trying to say is, true love is blind."

    -Old School
  • 08-04-2005 10:42 PM In reply to

    • BLS BOB
    • Top 10 Contributor
    • Joined on 07-27-2005
    • Massachusetts
    • Posts 820

    Re: JOKES!

    Damn that was clever.

    Get your own Gamercard Sig.
    ITS NOT THAT IM GETTING OLD, YOUR MUSIC REALLY SUCKS
  • 08-17-2005 11:25 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    Unfortunately, I aint got no jokes right now, but this thread is funny as shit, espicially Scuba's Beer or Pussy Advantages/ Disadvantages

    Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
  • 08-18-2005 2:13 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the ast
    oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00

    * * * * * * * * * *

    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
    $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
    home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
    process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty
    litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
    twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
    to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan
    full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
    yard instead of taking it to recycle.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
    surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
    with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
    of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
    gas.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
    litter on oil spill.

    39) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag
    used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
    plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33. Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the
    left boob.

    36. Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
    steps 23-43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, make bail.

    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total -- $4615.00
  • 08-19-2005 5:39 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline.

    "Don't mind Rover," the handler says, "he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

    The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."

    He tells the dog, "Rover, search!"

    The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy!" He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

    "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

    Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

    The handler says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

    "Wow!" says the first man.

    Once again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and craps all over the place!!!!! The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the heck was THAT for???!!"

    The handler replies, "Looks like he found a bomb."
    you know you wanna!
  • 08-19-2005 5:44 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

    The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

    In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

    The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.
    you know you wanna!
  • 08-19-2005 5:50 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

    1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

    2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    3RNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

    4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

    5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

    6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

    9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

    10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
    you know you wanna!
  • 08-19-2005 5:55 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

    The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

    She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. 'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.' This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

    Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache.'
    you know you wanna!
  • 09-21-2005 6:02 PM In reply to

    Big Smile [:D] Re: JOKES!

    A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

    "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

    The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

    That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

    "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

    "No problem," he says. And in they go.

    The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

    As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

    So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

    "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

    Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

    Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

    Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
  • 09-21-2005 6:08 PM In reply to

    Re: JOKES!

    A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

    He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

    "Yes officer?"

    "I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

    "Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

    "What about the young lady in the backseat?"

    The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

    "How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

    "I am 25 Officer."

    "And the girl?"

    The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

    Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
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